Love Languages and Character Development, Part 2

After posting a similar article on a writing forum, I received a number of comments that pointed out other facets of how love languages can affect characters.
For instance, it can provide sources of conflict between friends and allies, not simply between enemies. User_1 (not actual name) gave the following examples:

Person A is a words type, and B is a gifts type.  B lightly rebukes A and then moves on and forgets it, as, after all, it's a light rebuke.  A, however, takes more offense than B considers justified from the rebuke, and remembers it afterward. 

Or, the obvious one, where say A and B are fond of each other.  B tries to demonstrate this affection with lots of little gifts, but A is not responding in kind, and doesn't even seem terribly impressed.  This distresses B.  A says nice things to B, but B never responds in kind, and this similarly distresses A.

She also pointed out how surroundings and circumstances can affect a character's use of love languages:

...love languages can be repressed- if A is surrounded by people with the gift love language, it's possible they'll learn to display affection in that language rather than their own.  It's not as natural, but it's what is expected by the world, so that's what they do.  However, it is likely that this would make words tie in with even stronger emotions for A, as they're rarely used. 

Finally, imagine other conflicts- A is a words type, but also an illiterate mute.  Or perhaps A's best friend is an illiterate mute, or someone who speaks a different language.  Or perhaps the villain cuts out A's tongue or something- this might affect A more than if they communicated love with a different language.

A different user added:

My current favorite MC [main character] is an INTJ [see here for an explanation], and was physically abused as a child, so she has problems with touch. Her primary love language is Quality Conversation, an offshoot of Quality Time. (This is common in INTJs). However, when she is deeply attached to someone, she likes hugs from them, holding hands, etc., as long as she is initiating it. This is also due to the fact she didn't get loving physical affection when she was a child.

 Another friend commented on how a person's language for showing love can be different than their language for receiving love.

I had an interesting thought about love languages a few months ago while hanging out with my mother. I often tease her about how much she likes to give people things. If I mention in passing that my husband and I should probably buy a couple more towels, the next time we're at her house, BAM. Towels. She is always five steps ahead of people, anticipating what they'll want/need and trying to hand it out. 

However, the way she primarily receives love is definitely not gifts. She appreciates them, but spending one-on-one time with people and hearing clear verbal affirmation means the world to her. I don't actually think my mom's primary way of expressing love is the same as her primary way of receiving it. It was strange to realize! I'd never even considered the possibility. 

Of course, that's not to say that they aren't related. Gifts aren't as important to me as any of the other love languages (sorry, Mom), and so I'm often not as thoughtful as I should be about giving them to others. I am much more likely to think to encourage someone with meaningful compliments or ask to spend time with them than to think of finding the perfect birthday gift. For many characters, and many people, the list probably is pretty much the same for both giving and receiving love, like it is for me. But I don't think that's always the case, and once that occurred to me, I was able to realize some things about a few of my characters. 

For example, [my character], who is constantly helping out his large family and mostly getting no thanks, is starving for affirmation and appreciation. He lives and breathes to be praised, to impress people, to get a pat on the back for a job well done. Words of affirmation is definitely the way he receives love, and without it, he grows resentful. But on the flip side, he actually expresses love through acts of service. If he feels loved, he does more and more and more to try to help out, and as he grows as a person over the course of the story, he becomes more loving, and thus more willing to perform acts of service even without getting the words of affirmation in return. Sometimes you can connect the "incoming" and "outgoing" love languages in interesting ways that add complexity to the character.

A third commenter pointed out that complex people (and characters) might not have obvious love languages.

For example, my younger sister is a very withdrawn, shy, sarcastic person, but her primary love language is touch. 

She'll push you away if you try to give her a hug when she's sad, but if you keep trying; pat her on the back, hold her hand, try another hug, her sadness or anger just melts. It's amazing. 

However, since she's so reserved, most people would type her as a 'quality time' person, or perhaps 'words of affirmation'. 

What love languages do your characters have? How can they be points of conflict or of resolution? How can you use them to ratchet up the tension?

Love Languages and Character Development, Part 1

There are hundreds of different character development exercises, interviews, technique, and tools. However, one concept that seems to be underused both in character development and writing is that of love languages. See here for a definition of love languages.

Here are three reasons you should consider using them with your characters and in your writing:

1. Character relationships. Want to emphasize that character A is a friend? He/she gives a gift/shoulder pat/encouraging word to the MC (main character) or vice-versa. Want to emphasize that character B is an enemy? MC throws away a present received from B or pushes B away when he/she pokes/pats/head-rubs the MC. Want to emphasize that character A is closer to character B than C? Character A likes it when C hangs around, but he/she makes an effort to spend time with B.

2. Emotional shorthand. If character A is miffed with character B, A may not want to spend time with the B when he/she usually does or may refuse to drink the coffee that B made for him/her.

3. Character reactions. If the charrie is a touch-type, the villain getting up in her face/patting her on the shoulder/etc. will be the kind of interaction that freaks her out the most. If the charrie is a time-type, it might be worse if the villain just won't leave. If the charrie is a words-type, it might be easiest to manipulate him with words of encouragement. If the charrie is a gift-type, it might be easiest to manipulate her with little things like leaving a cup of coffee on her desk every morning, bringing her lunch if she looks too busy to go get it herself, etc.

Of course, these are vague guidelines. However, I think the effects should be considered. I'm a touch-type, and it's surprising how much that affects me. If I really don't like someone, holding hands is like getting stabbed by a needle (without the pain) -- it's the same kind of fundamental wrongness that has your brain telling you to pull away from the sensation. If someone is nice and also a touchy person, the chances go up that I like that person.

Remember, love isn't just romantic. This is how we interact with friends, family, and acquaintances.

A couple of characters and maybe their love languages:

Bucky Barnes -- probably touch. He grabs Steve around the shoulders, ruffles his hair, etc.

Hiro Hamada (Big Hero 6) -- probably words. He quotes what Tadashi tells him earlier in the movie to his teammates and wants/expects Tadashi to tell him how proud he is when Hiro gets into SFIT.

Tadashi Hamada -- probably touch. He grabs Hiro and shakes him around, pokes him in the forehead, gets in his face, and kisses Baymax when he gets excited.

James T. Kirk (Star Trek: 2009 & Star Trek: Into Darkness): probably also touch. He dispenses shoulder pats/grabs to people he likes (Bones especially).

Lucy Pevensie -- touch, definitely. She's the one that immediately runs to give Edmund a hug and holds Peter's hand when he's upset.

Peter Pevensie -- maybe words, considering how much he's encouraged when Edmund says that he believes in him (LWW) and how often he attacks Caspian with them (PC).

Welcome

And yet, it's one of the things that make life enjoyable. When it's not making you miserable. I'm a writer-in-progress who hopes to use her gifts to honor God. I'm not published and not an expert, but I've learned a few things that I hope might help you.

Keep reading and God bless!